You're Not Away From Your Phone, I Can See That You're on Instagram😉
I would love to opine on intergender/dating discourse, but I’ve been out of the game for 17 years now.What I will say:
Not replying to messages - something that takes only a few seconds - is lowlife behavior, for both men and women.
— @Porkchop_EXP
The other day, I saw a reel pop up on my feed. This person basically gave excuses for bad texters and there were a few replies telling him he was wrong. I felt the need to leave a comment, and so this was what I said:
From my personal experiences, the first instinct and gut feeling is usually right. No one goes from texting all the time to suddenly going quiet. Even when a consistent texter becomes busy, they usually return pretty quickly even though it might take a while. The silence is an indication that something within them has shifted and they're just too chicken to tell you that you're no longer a priority because either they have found someone or they think of you/value you differently. The confusion and paranoia is just there to protect you. 9/10 times you are right but admitting you were right is more painful so you deny what you felt.
When I left the comment, it just so happened that the reel was related to something I've been thinking about lately. And I think I know why it resonated with so many people.
I think many people are sick of excusing inconsiderate behaviour. Telling yourself that "maybe the person's just busy" or "maybe they didn't see it" only works for specific instances. Plus, most of us aren't the kind to think ill of people we text regularly. The same people who always have to initiate the uncomfortable conversations are tired of asking the same question in varied forms. Trying to think good thoughts and assume the best of others so that you can "influence" reality and "self-regulate" rarely works if the other party has already reassigned a label for you. In fact, this is the perfect recipe for being an excellent doormat, where people can just gaslight and walk all over you. But at least you'll make a solid doormat for a 5-star hotel.
All reasonable-sounding excuses need a victim, and solid doormats make the best targets. When it comes to the topic of texting, I see a lot of "I'm a bad texter" responses popping up from time-to-time. And I've had people say this to me themselves. But after examining their responses and looking at them, I've come to a conclusion: they aren't bad at texting, they suck at communicating. When questioned, these individuals either deflect or come up with the most sordid excuses for their behaviour. For some reason, common courtesy did not extend to texting. Being considerate of people's time and effort did not extend to texting. And I think it's time we came up with a solution.
I once saw someone with a very pleasant personality leave everyone on read. It made me think of them differently. The time I was with them could have been spent responding to messages, as we weren't even in a rush or doing anything particularly important. Even a thumbs up would have sufficed. But with the internet, all facets of our shadow become evident.
I think it's fair that people want to take their time and attention back from the apps and the internet, but it shouldn't come with blatant inconsideration. A better option would be to deactivate and delete your social media apps, which would definitely get rid of much of the overstimulation. I also think it's kind of weak that one of our problems is being overwhelmed by texts when really, we've come a long way since having pigeons deliver our messages. What was once a far-fetched dream has now become a collective burden at the expense of progress. The argument really doesn't hold up when you realise that some of the busiest people are the fastest responders.
Photo by Anand Ramavath on Unsplash
There are always ways to communicate your aversion to texting to those around you. Maybe something like, "Hey, I value our connection but I absolutely hate texting, is there a way we can work things out?" And then you proceed to ACTUALLY work things out. You can have your preferences, but don't expect everyone else to accommodate. And a question these people should ask themselves is: why exactly do I hate texting? Why is responding to a text in a timely manner such a chore?
Not everyone will boldly express their dissatisfaction with your texting habits, and yes, you don't owe anyone an explanation for not responding every time you receive a text. Some exceptions can be made for acquaintances and strangers, but you owe it to those closest to you when life gets in the way of your usual texting pace, especially if you struggle with texting for valid reasons. Telling them to stop overthinking when your normal mode and pace of communication changes is a perfect way to deflect from the real issue. The irony is that overthinking is viewed in a slightly negative light when not thinking at all is so much worse. The same goes for shame-induced withdrawal: don't let your shame and guilt be someone's collateral damage. Feeling guilt or shame because you haven't responded in three business days or because you feel overwhelmed when you see large blocks of text isn't someone else's emotions to manage.
One time, I brought up the topic of texting with a 12th houser. She's a lovely person so I was a bit perplexed by her texting style where she could go days without responding to a text. In astrology, 12th housers need a lot of solitude and silence. And so I asked her what she does with her phone when she's not on it. Instead of getting defensive about my question and asking me not to overthink, she told me that she usually leaves her phone in her drawer and goes about her day, a sharp contrast to some people I've encountered who would immediately try to soothe me (and themselves) and tell me to not overthink. She acknowledged that it was a fault on her part and actually made an effort to respond in a more timely manner. In a world of people who would rush to defend themselves when questioned about their texting habits, it makes a world of difference when someone responds differently. Good intentions only get you so far in relationships.
Does your justification match up with the evidence? Because unlike the 12th houser who would rather be away from her phone, most people would immediately be found guilty of being active on social media when they could have responded to a simple text message. As cliché as this phrase is, the road to hell really is paved with good intentions. When your habits or modus operandi clashes with the other, your actions will matter more than your intentions. How many people have you met who did questionable things with evil motives? They all started off with good intentions. Instead of potentially hurting your feelings by telling you the truth about why they've stopped texting, they decided that dropping hints or staying silent would be a better option. But the hard truth is this: friends who tell you to stop overthinking may mean well, but they don't have your best interests at heart. Instead of being curious about why and how you've arrived at that conclusion, they ask you to stop, because at the core of it, your overthinking is an inconvenience to them. Because it usually means that they have to sit and unpack it with you. Sometimes it means that they've messed up somewhere, and admitting it is more painful, so it's easier to ask you to stop. And ironically, they benefit from your advice when they need your depth and precision - the same depth whose nemesis is overthinking.
Overthinkers are just one thought away from figuring it all out.
— Cam White
Overthinkers need friends who are willing to explore their thought processes with them, not "chill" friends who tell you not to worry when you've spotted inconsistencies in their overall behaviour. Especially not friends who activate that tendency of yours to ruminate without bothering to understand why. Unfortunately, as much as the connections we maintain can embolden us, they can also condition us to expect the worst.
In Pavlov's theory, the dogs were classically conditioned to salivate in the presence of a technician who normally fed them because they associated the technician with food after repeated feeding sessions. The same could be said for humans. If someone was handed a lollipop right before they received a zap, and many people proceeded to zap that same person, would you blame this person for having an aversion to lollipops? If someone repeatedly encounters friends who suddenly withdraw after a period of texting consistently, would you then put the full blame on them for becoming an overthinker?
Expecting others to read your mind and intentions is a very lazy way to live, and also the main reason why relationships fall apart. Another word for "chill" is just self-centered. The person who does things without consideration of others isn't chill, as everything just revolves around their perspective. They are easy to be around but difficult to remain in a relationship with. Because the closer one gets to them, the more you see their disregard for others.
And if you're someone who is prone to overthinking, your best bet is to also withdraw yourself from such people so you can protect your sanity. How we interact with others has a profound effect on how they view you and the rest of humanity. So all of us have a responsibility to do our utmost best to mitigate such situations. Self-care and needing time for oneself should be balanced with consideration of the other, and without one or the other society loses its sense of balance.
I once stumbled upon a reel where a guy mentioned how his window guy had to call him three times just to get him to confirm an appointment because he was unresponsive via text. People have work to do, so if you have an appointment coming up, be responsible enough to keep your phone on for these poor blue-collar workers who are just trying to get by, but instead, they have to call you umpteen times just to confirm an appointment. Feeling overwhelmed by text messages is not an excuse to be irresponsible. And I can guarantee that these window men get more text messages than this guy. This is not to shame him, but to bring some awareness to those who really hate being on their phones. I'd rather not be in the window guy's shoes.
If you don't want people to contact you, you need to make it clear to them. Do you come across as if you're always available? Maybe that's the issue here. We are all communicators, even when we don't speak. If you are always open and friendly, don't get upset that people are always looking for you. And if you put up a wall, don't be shocked when others don't approach you first. A key trait of a good communicator is knowing how you come across to others. You won't always have people tell you their honest opinion, but when they do, you should listen and pay attention.
The irony of it all is that these people will never say such bullshit to their boss or someone they're trying to impress. Imagine telling your boss or someone you're interested in "I'm bad at texting". That's the level of priority you're placed in these people's lives. That's an excuse that says nothing. It's like not having the appetite to eat and telling someone who cooked you a meal that you're a bad eater. So if we were to view bad texters rationally, they're just horrible communicators who you need to let go of. But because there are no real consequences to their actions despite their developed prefrontal cortex, we just allow the disease to fester while these people still think they're good people.
We can't always avoid bad texters, and some people just don't change with time, so I think to solve the conundrum, changes should be made to our apps. They should come with a "working" hour sign beside our status. If someone doesn't respond within those "working" hours for the next few days, you will know the lack of response is intentional. Another proposition if I may - our apps should come with an I-will-not-be-responding button and an I-will-respond-later button. It would make it socially acceptable to say what we really think and save a lot of our time.
A lot of communication rests on assumption - assuming people will grant you good faith as long as you tell them you're a bad texter, but that statement in itself is not specific enough. What do you mean by "bad"? You're essentially outsourcing the responsibility to others to understand you. A few times maybe, but it's human nature to want to fill those gaps with presuppositions in the midst of ambiguity. Knowing that someone has a habit of not responding isn't the same as being emotionally able to stomach repeated extremely late replies. Someone who consistently responds and gradually stops doing so will inadvertently raise alarm bells regardless of their past behaviour. Some may eventually express their dissatisfaction and some will essentially disappear from your life. That silence will be filled with others' assumptions simply because you failed to provide a legitimate justification for your behaviour. Some people may say "oh it's not that important", but is the label mutual? Who gets to decide if something is important or not?
We should all thank people who have us blocked, because at least they have the courtesy to communicate by closing the gate and telling us we are no longer welcome here. I've done the latter and to put it bluntly, considering how they've left me on read, they should appreciate my audacity.