People-Pleasers
so much relational damage is caused by the need to appear to be “the good guy” in the situation. if you can be like “listen I get this might seem selfish and unfair but this is how I really feel” you’re often being far more altruistic
—Ava (@noampomsky)
People-pleasers are not long-term thinkers. They are overly focused on the present - how the other person will feel, how they will feel, and how the whole situation will pan out NOW. It's way better to hurt someone's feelings now so they can bounce back from that situation. But they underestimate OTHERS' ability to get over things because they project their own capability and capacity onto others.
People-pleasers usually get praised because they don't rock the boat. They aren't aggressive. But the reality is that because of their passivity, others around them have no choice but to respond in the opposite manner, to provide balance to a one-sided situation. They make others do the dirty work that they themselves are so afraid to do. Or the situation unfolds in a manner where they have no choice but to be aggressive after all the hesitation and reservation on their part, and sometimes, their aggressiveness leaks out in a way that it appears almost childish, like a newborn puppy learning to bark for the first time. It looks cute on a puppy, but it looks immature on a grown adult. So the next time you see someone being labelled as the "crazy one", watch out for the people-pleasing, conflict-avoidant people around them, leaving them to do the dirty work.
The irony is their "consideration" is to protect themselves from uncomfortable situations, while they are blatantly inconsiderate of others' effort and time.
People-pleasers are chronic people collectors. They collect people, while having no deep connection to the people they have collected, because knowing people on a surface level is a great way to keep the complexities of being in a real connection to others at bay. After all, it's easier to give in to strangers whom you will never meet again. They want the convenient access to others without the connection, so every time something difficult is brought up, they distract, dismiss, and deflect. They are adept at using the 3Ds to avoid the discomfort of who they really are. Deep down, they have built a mental image of themselves that is beyond reproach; every time they have to hurt or offend someone, it makes a dent in that mental image of themselves. They may not call themselves God, but they sure as heck strive to protect that god-like image of themselves. In their books, being the villain is a no-go. Part of being human is saying something that can sometimes cause someone to go "ouch". Heck, sometimes even the hand of God offends us. But people-pleasers see it as causing great offence.
Ultimately, people-pleasers are consistently dishonest. If someone was on their best behaviour as a guest, we could give them the benefit of the doubt, as sometimes politeness is warranted in certain situations. But people-pleasers are dishonest at their core. What we call people-pleasing is actually someone trying to please themselves - the attempt of trying to avoid the discomfort of potentially causing discomfort to someone ends up causing both parties more discomfort. Sure, part of people-pleasing is not wanting to upset the other party. But what appears as consideration is mostly self-centredness at its core.
clarifying things so the other person doesn't overthink is also emotional responsibility
— @greyfonttheory
If people-pleasers have taught me one thing, it's this: normalise saying what you mean, so you don't have to waste someone else's time. Unlike wasted time, hurt feelings can be recovered.