Are You Hungry?
Photo by Santiago Lacarta on Unsplash
My high school girlfriend gave me a sort of fancy journal for my birthday and inscribed it with this line from Archimedes: “Give me a place to stand and I will move the earth.” I remember being angry that she didn’t get me a real present. I still think about it
—(@baltic_dan)
There was a period of time when I kept dreaming about food, and my then-analyst said at that time that I wasn't well nourished. At first, I thought it was intellectual nourishment but no, years later, I finally realised - it was emotional nourishment. I was not getting fed properly. And it's not about me going to bed hungry and it's not me opening the fridge right before bed. It was a pattern my then-analyst clocked, and you know what? He was damn right.
I could connect so well with all these capable and intelligent people and we could sit and talk about work, philosophy, or meaning for hours, but when I needed them to sit with me because I was spiralling, these people weren't there. In fact, it was as if I was too much for them. And I damn well knew I wasn't.
Here's the thing, it's easier for avoidants to face the topic of death, but when you bring up about how you've had a bad day at work or how your relationship with your family is rocky, these people have got no time for you. Growing up, I would hear adults say something along the lines of, "you want to rule the world? you can't even clean your room". Now what makes these people want to tackle and come face-to-face with big ideas like social policy, homelessness, education, health, and even death, if they can't even come face-to-face with difficult emotions? I get it, death is inevitable, a huge loss, but so are inconsequential emotional fights and an unsatisfactory time at work.
And then there comes the confusing part of people who are emotionally stingy but monetarily generous. You don't see a problem with the way they are until you see how emotionally cold they can be, despite their generosity with money. These people sometimes know that they are lacking elsewhere, and so they try to compensate by buying their way out of having to be emotionally available. It's all so easy - put on a charming smile, tell you that they're busy, throw you a few compliments here and there, and maybe even treat you to a meal. But it's all a distraction. Rejecting those things would be seen as ungrateful, so you keep those relationships out of confusion that this is how it is.
We see this a lot in certain cultures, where parents are extremely generous in forking out money for their children's sake, but when it all boils down to acknowledging their child's emotional needs, they claim that they've already done the providing. And so, some children gaslight themselves by saying that this is the way their parents express love. But loving others isn't just doing what you're capable of. Loving others also requires adapting the way you love to each individual, so that those around you can feel that you care about them.
Then there's the trope about an ultra rich kid cutting ties with his parents. People are telling him how good he has it, and that he's ungrateful for the wealth and life that he's had because of his parents - they've given him shelter, the opportunity to indulge in expensive hobbies, money, opportunities, and a surname that would get everyone talking. But really, is that all there is to life - money, food, shelter, a loaded bank account, and a famous surname? What about emotional resonance? As if rich people don't have their special set of problems that are further made complicated by money, status, and fame. And that's also how some women can be so lonely while married to someone rich. You can have everything under the sun, and still feel so empty and emotionally undernourished. This of course, isn't new.
In 1892, Charlotte Perkins Gilman wrote The Yellow Wall Paper, a short story about a woman suffering from "a temporary nervous depression" who is under the care of her physician husband who dotes on her and calls her his "darling" and "little girl", while also dismissing her urge to socialise and write. And when she tells him that she might be "better in body" but not the mind, he gaslights her and ignores her reality by saying, "Can you not trust me as a physician when I tell you so?" Instead of feeling anger and frustration, she beats herself up mentally because of her "ungratefulness".
...he takes all care from me, and so I feel basely ungrateful not to value it more.
It's easy to play and perform the role of someone who's supportive and present when you can parade them on social media and then vanish under the pretence of busyness. It's easy to show your support publicly, because it makes you look like a good spouse, a good friend, or a good colleague. But what about those unseen moments when there is no one to applaud, no one to witness, and no one to whisper to others about the good that you've done?
While I dream about food, some individuals literally try to compensate the lack of emotional nourishment by emotional eating. They go through different diets, exercises, and routines, but nothing sticks, nothing works. The mind and the body are so intricately intertwined that it doesn't register to these individuals to take a good look at their emotional life. Are you being filled the way you want to be filled? Does your spouse love you the way you want to be loved? Do the people that you surround yourself with fill your cup? Or are you always pining for the breadcrumbs that emotionally stingy people drop into your empty cup?
The real kicker is this: how much are they willing to sacrifice to salvage the relationship - not with money, but with time and effort? Because I know, that some of the people who've fed me are just whispering to themselves, about how ungrateful I am.